In the Burning Phase of My Life.

To befriend the shadow girl in the mirror…

Never should on yourself.

What should I be today?

I’m having trouble deciding, so perhaps I could put it to a vote, gentle readers. There are so many possibilities to choose from…

Indian Chief? No, don’t have the headdress, and quite frankly, I’m allergic to feathers. Doctor? Not enough schooling, and I REALLY don’t relish the sight of human blood or open wounds. Ballerina? Perhaps at one time…but my creaky old knees are well past that now.

Dumb bitch who has no self-control and should just stop eating altogether because she doesn’t deserve to take up the HUGE amount of space that she does right now–

Whoa! Wait! Where did THAT come from?????

Pretty harsh, right? Yeah, I thought so. But that is what a great many of us, myself included, say about ourselves when the pain gets too great and the eating disorders that shadow us constantly push their way to the forefront. I could have, just as easily, said, “Magnificent human being who is so sensitive, creative, and talented that all the finest things at the world should land at her feet.”

That probably doesn’t sound too familiar to a lot of my readers. We are so used to the “shoulds” that we place on ourselves being negative, being about the things that we feel we cannot do, that we are too weak to do, that reveal what we perceive to be our many flaws. Why choose a version of ourselves that promotes joy when we can just choose to believe a worst-case scenario instead, one that justifies the self-punishment that so many of us get stuck in day after miserable day?

Because sometimes being positive is scary, because it is so new and different from what we have been programmed to do. Programming is tedious to change, and it sometimes can seem like too much of an effort. But it is worth it. I’m tired of starving and punishing my inner child. She cowers in the corner, beaten down, because of all of the poison shoulds that I have rained down on her.

It is time for her to be nourished, both physically and mentally, so that she can build sand castles, sprint down the street while chased by several friends and all of the neighborhood dogs. She needs to know it’s okay to paint on the walls…with washable paint. Hell, sometimes with permanent paint!

It is time to love my inner little girl, and stop dictating what she should be other than her own unique self.

What could YOU do to banish the “shoulds” and be kinder to your inner little person?

Please share…I would love to know.

Love each other, and yourself, until we meet again.


March 26, 2010 Posted by | Mind Shadows. | , , , , , , | 7 Comments