In the Burning Phase of My Life.

To befriend the shadow girl in the mirror…

In the Full Dark-written on New Year’s Day.

The new year is a time that we are programmed, culturally and spiritually, to take stock of where we are and where we’ve been. Normally at the start of a new year, life has changed in just subtle ways from the “same time last year,” but this year is a notable exception. A year ago today, I was a month into inpatient treatment at Rosewood Ranch in Wickenburg, wondering what a fledgling 2009 would bring.
Now, I am “free,” in New Orleans, the city that I love, with my husband and son who are my world.
So why does everything feel so broken and wrong?
No one told me that it would be this hard, that a slump could lead to an emotional landslide, indeed. My thoughts ping around the inside of my skull, vibrating with nervous tension like the hot and trembly chest of a baby bird. This is not supposed to happen.
If I happen to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, the image is not, not ever my friend. There is too much of me on display everywhere. I am terrified that others will see it, this excessiveness, and turn away. I grip the anchors on my physical form that used to provide hellish inventory and comfort, and they are disturbingly hidden by betraying flesh. I stare into my flat eyes and the same thought courses through me, relentless as a brooding toothache. I need my bones.
I’m sorry if this triggers anyone…this is not my intention. The triggers are everywhere for me, because they are attached to the very substance of me. No matter how I turn and angle myself, I am still there.
I want this to not be true, even though the more sensible part of my brain, the part that marched me bravely to treatment in the first place, knows that this is so wrong, an emotional fox trap to be avoided at all costs.
Easier said than done.
I hate talking about this. I am the “I’m fine” girl. But I am afraid that if I don’t I will unravel. I want to be there for everyone else, but to erase myself at the same time.
When the baby steps become so halting that they seem to be moving you backward, what next?
No, don’t.
Please do.
I love you all. I feel so tiresome, so much like I should just GET OVER IT.
I have had my fifteen minutes of fragility and dependence.
But even if I broke all of the mirrors, I would still be there.
I will try to make this New Year better, minute by minute.
I guess that is all that I can do.
How can I be so utterly tired when I just arose?
I guess I will find out as the days unfurl.
Thank you for reading this. It really does mean so very much.


March 13, 2010 - Posted by | Anorexia and Disordered Days., Mind Shadows. | , , , , ,

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